it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
