so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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