Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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