Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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