I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
