I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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