the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
