he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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