Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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