I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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