dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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