I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Girls should come with a carfax report
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
