He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
