LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
