I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
