; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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