Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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