ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
