Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
