Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
