About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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