I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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