dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.