Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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