is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
