her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
