Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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