i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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