im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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