I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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