I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
