I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
