life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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