if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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