Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
