I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
