rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
