I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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