you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
