life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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