We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
