How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
