the condom got lost in my hair
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
