She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
