dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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