The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
