He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
