i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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