That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
