Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
