Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
