Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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