My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
