So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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