I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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