can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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